Football Minute Transcipts
Week 1: Football!

Week 2 on your schedule, week 1 in your hearts.

Your Boodogs crushed the Nicholls Kernals...oh wait, your Boodogs BARELY SCRAPED BY A TEAM THAT IS SO SMALL ESPN DOESNT EVEN HAVE A TEAM PAGE FOR THEM.

Meanwhile The Wramblin Wreck Engineers politely dispatched a law school from Macon who doesn't have a team page on ESPN either.

Number two Clemson crushed the Troy Trojans. Oh wait, CLEMSON BARELY BEAT THE THIRD PLACE TEAM FROM THE SUN BELT

156,990 people crammed into Bristol Motor Speedway to watch Tennessee beat Virginia Tech. 125,000 of them thought they were going to a NASCAR race. DOH

#1 Roll Tide rolled uphill and topped the Hilltoppers of Western Kentucky. Nice matchup, Nicktator.

Central Michigan beat Oklahoma State on a last second hail mary hook and ladder that only happened because the referees in the game never bothered to read the rulebook.

Meanwhile in the No Fun League

Your Atlanta Falcons opened up with a loss to the hated Buccaneers despite Matty Ice throwing from more yards than Jameis Winston. If you only had a running game.

All Sunday NFL games were decided by LESS THAN one touchdown...except one...because the Cleveland Browns got crushed by a rookie quarterback who they could have drafted.

Tom Brady served the first of his four game suspension for deflating balls. Isn't that Giselle's job? Remember, Jimmy Garoppolo is not the love child of Jimmy Cephalo and Janeane Garafalo.

Tonight is Monday Night Football's annual premiere double header, that means there's still a game being played right now...the 49ers are taking on the Los Angeles, I mean St. Louis, I mean Los Angeles Rams.