Game of Thrones Minute Transcript
Episode 1: It's Baaaaack!

The 42 week wait is over!

Is John Snow dead?
Let's see!

At Castle Black
John Snow is in the snow
He's been there for a year
no wait, he's been there overnight and no one noticed
Sir Davos to the rescue!
Is he dead? We don't know!
Aliser Thorn goes Et Tu Brute
And Edd runs out for pizza and wildlings

Meanwhile at Winterfell
Ramsey feeds his girlfriend to the hounds
Sansa and Reek go polar bear and get caught
But it's Brienne and Pod to the rescue!

Brienne swears allegiance for the thousandth time.

Meanwhile in King's Landing
It's gold their crowns and gold their shrouds for Cersei
See ya Myrcella!
Cersei gets nuttier
and Jamie is about to go full on Lannister on everybody

Meanwhile in Dorne
Elaria Sand stands up for Women's lib
See ya Doran Martell!
And The sand snakes put sppear to schnozzz
And it's See ya Trystane Martell

Meanwhile in Mereen
Tyrion wants to eat babies
And its burn baby burn for the Meerenese fleet

Meanwhile in Rohan
Jorah and Daario pretend they are Aragorn and Legolas in The Two Towers
Get some ointment Jorah!

Elsewhere in horse country
Khaleesi flashes her ID and shuts up Roman Reigns

Then, meanwhile in Braavos Arya learns wax on wax off while blind

And back at Castle Black
Davos need mutton
And ohhhhh boy, The Red Woman took off her beer goggles turned into the hag from Popeye and damn does she need some moisturizer.