Olympic Minute Transcript

Three more days and we are done with the Olympics
Until Tokyo in 2020.

Everyone knows I'm as sensitive as the next guy
But can we go ONE COMMERCIAL BREAK without seeing amputees?

The US Women's Hockey team kept me up until 3am last night
Because they won gold in a sudden death shootout
Jocelyne Lamoureux-Davidson dipsied and dipsied and doodled and doodled
And scored the clinching penalty shot
38 years to the day after the Miracle On Ice in Lake Placid

If that wasnt enough to drive Canadians crazy
The US men's upset Canada in the curling semi finals
Sweet revenge for the War of 1812
We're going for the gold tomorrow!

Speaking of curling, a Russian curler got busted for doping.
I'm pretty sure that anyone who can tolerate curling for two weeks straight
Should be allowed to do any drug they want.

Our Men's Hockey team went to a shootout too
But it was in the quarterfinals
And they lost to The Czech Republic.
Was it really that much of a pain in the ass for the NHL to keep their players out?

Everybody digs those short track speed skating relays
Where else can you grab your coworkers butt
Give them a shove
And not get reported to HR?

Jesse Diggins won Americas first gold medal in cross country skiing
In 42 years.
Get ready for cross country skiing's popularity to skyrocket across the US
Or not...

We're almost done
But we still have the 4 man Bobsled
The Alpine Team event
Women's Figure Skating
The cross country marathon
Speed skating
And the closing ceremonies
See you in Tokyo, Olympics.