Epic Food Poetry
The Ballad of Johnny Kielbasa Versus The Twin Chili Cheese Dogs

They called it stormy Monday
Was that the case, or what?
At about 2:30pm I realized
The storm was in my gut.

It seemed a fortnight
Since I last
Had partaken in repast
And my 117th cup of mud
Might have surely been my last.

But then I scraped up all my change
With a shovel and a broom,
Counted up my currency,
And made haste to the luncheon room.

When I entered into the hallowed hall
I was overcome with fright
A feeling washed all over me
That this may be the night...
...or afternoon for that matter...

A little voice inside my head
Told me where to go
Past the soda, chips, and gum
To the end of concession row;

The voice made me stop and stare
At the machine/living hell,
There stood the downfall of my soul:
The Sandwich Carousel!

I pushed the button that made it spin
Displaying all its wares
For me to buy and heat and eat
Despite co-workers stares.

There was but one menu selection
That I swore to never eat,
One deviant dish so horribly gross
One knew not if it was meat...
...or a meat byproduct for that matter...

And, of course, the voice inside my head
Made me make the carousel stop
With the forbidden fruit directly in front
Of me, my jaw just dropped.

And then time stopped and presented for
The twenty-thousandth time,
The dollar-fifty Twin Chili Cheese Dogs
And I had fifteen dimes.

I stood and stared
For what could have been
Maybe days.
I stared at the perfect twin bed of plastic
On which my sanity laid.

From within the very pit of my soul
The little voice said, "Please?"

My mouth began to drool as I realized
These twins had extra cheese
...imitation cheese for that matter...

Before I realized,
My hand was in my pocket
Around the dimes
That numbered fifteen
Exactly the amount
To make the Twin Dogs mine.

And as if no time had passed at all
I looked at the machine's display
One dollar forty had been put down the slot,
I was but one dime away.

As the fifteenth dime slipped out of my hands
And down my destiny's throat
I realized then that the Twin Chili Cheese Dogs
Were more powerful than I hoped.

I could fight no longer.
As the carousel compartment opened wide,
I bowed my head,
Grabbed the pack,
And opened up one side.

As I watched them spin around inside
The industrial strength microwave
I could only wish that I had been stronger
As I headed toward my grave
...grave colonic consequences for that matter...

In retrospect,
I knew I should have never
Tried to ignore
The tasty dish that ruled me
Quoth Twin Chili Cheese Dogs, "Nevermore!"